Every day is a learning day… it’s a funny old thing, isn’t it? I’m 45, and I’ve had one of those lightning-bolt realisations about something I’ve been doing my whole life, without ever really noticing it was an issue. I think a part of me knew I did it, but it’s only recently that I’ve seen the impact it’s having, or even named it as a problem.
I ask permission. All the time.
It used to be most noticeable with my husband, especially when I was thinking of buying something. It didn’t matter if it was a large purchase or a small one; there I’d be, asking if it was okay. I eventually realised how ridiculous that was, and now I make purchases without asking… within reason, of course. If it’s a more expensive thing, I’ll still dither around thinking about it and will likely talk it over with him.
And a part of me would say that’s because I value his judgement and his point of view… and I very much do. But looking back, I’m not sure if that’s the real reason I asked. Yes, it’s a thoughtful and considerate thing to do, asking for his input. But was it just consideration? Or was something else going on?
“Is That Okay?” – The Question I Didn’t Realise I Was Always Asking
The penny really dropped for me recently in a different area of my life. I’ve been trying to open myself up a little more socially, and I’ve developed some wonderful friendships that aren’t just situational. In the past, almost all my friendships have been with school or work colleagues — lovely people, but the connections often didn’t feel the same without the place that bound us together. I think that’s probably quite normal for a lot of people.
But now, I have friends I don’t see as a matter of course. Friends who I share deep, common interests with. And I’ve had to actively carve out time for them… and I really, really want to.
And I find myself asking if it’s okay if I go and see them.
Let’s get one thing straight, right here and now: my husband does not expect this. He is not a controlling man in any way, shape, or form. He is wonderful and supportive and would be horrified to think I felt I had to ask.
So, the question is coming from me. And that’s when it clicked… I wonder if I’m trying to avoid conflict. Am I asking pre-emptively to avoid treading on any toes, just in case there might be an issue later on? I absolutely hate conflict — the feeling of it sits in my stomach like a lead weight — so it would make perfect sense.
More Than Just Manners: A Look at Autistic Survival Strategies
When you spend a lifetime feeling slightly out of step with the world, you develop some pretty sophisticated coping mechanisms. For many of us who are autistic, especially those of us diagnosed later in life, these become so ingrained we don’t even see them as strategies anymore. They’re just… how we exist.
This constant seeking of validation, this “permission slip” habit, feels very much like one of those. It’s a form of conflict avoidance; a way to smooth over any potential bumps in the road before you even get to them. It’s a big part of masking, not just as an autistic person trying to navigate a neurotypical world, but also, for me, as a gay man who learned very early on how to make himself smaller and more agreeable to stay safe. It’s a subconscious attempt to manage the environment and ensure it remains calm and predictable.
A Tool for Work, a Trap at Home?
I see it at work, too, but in that context, it feels different. I don’t mind it there. Asking for a second opinion or for a manager to sign off on something gives me confidence that the direction I’m heading in is the right one. And for me, having navigated some incredibly toxic workplaces in the past, filled with bullying and gaslighting, this habit now helps me feel safe. It serves a clear purpose.
But at home, in my safest of spaces? That’s my issue. I have no logical reason to be asking for permission. It’s not serving me anymore — in fact, it feels like I’m quietly stealing my own autonomy.
The Ghost of Rejection Past (Hello, RSD!)
And I think it goes even deeper than just conflict avoidance. Is this Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) manifesting in yet another way? RSD isn’t a formal diagnosis, but it’s a very real experience for so many neurodivergent people. It’s that intense, overwhelming emotional pain that comes from perceived rejection, criticism, or failure.
By asking “is that okay?” before I even state my intention, I’m essentially trying to head that pain off at the pass. I’m testing the waters, seeking reassurance that my desire to do something won’t lead to disapproval. It’s a shield. A way of protecting myself from a hurt that feels disproportionately huge. The seeking of clarity is a classic autistic trait, but when it’s layered with a deep-seated fear of rejection, it can morph into this constant, anxious checking-in.
Reclaiming My Autonomy, One Realisation at a Time
So, what’s a guy to do? The first step, for me, was just seeing it for what it is. And the second is realising I don’t have to throw the whole strategy away. In the situations where it serves me — like at work, where it brings me clarity and a sense of psychological safety — I think I’ll embrace it. It’s a tool I’ve developed, and it still works there.
But in my home life, I want to move away from it. I read something recently that suggested instead of asking permission, you should simply state your intention.
From Asking to Stating: A Practical Shift
So that’s what I’m going to try.
“I’m planning on going out with my friends on Thursday.”
That’s it. That’s the sentence. Even as I type it, I can feel my brain itching to add “…is that okay?” to the end. It’s going to feel weird and clunky and maybe even a bit rude at first, even though I know it isn’t. But I’m going to give it a go.
It’s all about small steps, isn’t it? And not being too hard on myself. Maybe this “asking permission” has been a vital survival strategy for decades. Maybe it has served me in all sorts of ways that I don’t fully appreciate in this moment. It kept me safe. But now, I’m in a place where I am safe. And I can start, gently, to put the shield down.
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